Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Blind Faith

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 ( New American Standard)

Six weeks ago we went in for our 20 week ultrasound. While most parents are anxious to go and find out if they are having a boy or a girl, I am always anxious to just go and make sure everything is okay with the baby. Finding out the gender, to me, just gets to be an added bonus. In fact, up until we got to the office, we were undecided about finding out the gender. This ultrasound was a bit different, as I have now entered "advanced maternal age." We spent 15-20 minutes with a genetic counselor explaining all the risks, and we received a higher level ultrasound. Nearly immediately after the doctor began, I heard him say, "The baby has a choroid plexus cyst on its brain." I cannot express the fear that shook my body at his words. A cyst on my baby's brain?!?! He was quick to explain that they are relatively common and have nothing at all to do with brain development. However, he went on to say that they can be indicators of Trisomy 18. Unfortunately for him, I knew exactly what that was, as a family in Richmond recently lost their sweet daughter to Trisomy 18. At that exact moment I knew I had to know if this baby was a boy or a girl.

Following a very thorough exam, the dr. reassured us he was confident our baby did NOT have Trisomy 18, and that when we returned in 6 weeks for a follow up ultrasound, the cyst would be gone. Then he sent us on our way with limited information and a follow up appointment.

Duane and I immediately decided that we were not going to live the next 6 weeks in fear of what may happen at the next appointment. We shared the news with the girls that they were finally getting baby brother. We decided on a name (the same name Duane has been holding on to for nearly 7 years should he ever have a boy), and we talk with the girls about him all the time. We told some people about the cyst, but we have never spent much time dwelling upon it or worrying about it. Several people have asked how I have gotten through the past 6 weeks without being constantly worried or what I am going to do if I find out today it IS, in fact, Trisomy 18.

My answer is always the same. God has know all along whether this baby was going to live or not. God has a very intentional purpose and plan for what is happening to us right now. It is not up to me how this all turns out. I have prayed endlessly for strength and courage, for the words to use should I have to explain this to my daughters, and for peace of mind. I have fully put my faith in God, and I know, no matter how today's ultrasound results turn out, that He will see us through whatever lies ahead. I decided early on that spending endless hours worrying about this, talking about it, or hiding away and crying about it were not options I would allow myself. There is nothing I want more than to find out today that all is perfect with our baby boy. But I have a blind faith in God that will see me through no matter what we learn today. This is all just part of God's plan for our lives. The faith I have has allowed me a sense of peace that I cannot fully explain but can only credit to God giving me strength, courage, and peace of mind. This is how I have made it 6 weeks without knowing... Blind faith.


Becky said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes because I know and feel your pain and anxiety. So I feel the need to offer the following words... no matter what your ultrasound shows today, you do have a perfect little boy!. He is wonderful in every way! IF it turns out to be trisomy 18, then you will have a more challenging road ahead, but that will never change your love for him, nor how perfect he is. In the meantime, you can love him with all your heart and know that you are right, there is a plan and some how things will work out. I agree that not crying now may not help anything. Afterall, there may be nothing wrong. But IF the results are not what you wanted to hear, please know that you will need to take a moment here or there to be sad and that is ok. There is nothing fair about our children having medical issues! If nothing else, they are so innocent and don't deserve anything short of perfect. So please take time to cry. But then know that this is really out of your hands and spend all of your time loving him and learning about what you can do for him. I will pray today that the results turn show no trisomy 18. I will also pray that if they do, you and your family can find the inner strength you will need. Please don't hesitate to call if you want to chat or just want someone to listen. Wish I was closer, I'd come give you a hug!
Becky (507-259-1852)